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Break out of your comfort zone to improve your confidence

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Have you ever done something that has surprised you? Perhaps you met with a mentor that you’d been hoping to talk to. Or presented a speech for the first time. Maybe you took on a project that’s a bit out of your job description? And you realized that you pushed the boundaries and moved out of your comfort zone?

Ahh comfort zones – they are warm and cushy. And as creatures of comfort, we love sitting in these pockets. But does it challenge us, help us grow, and improve our confidence? Short answer, no. One of the most effective ways to improve your self-confidence is to regularly push yourself out of your comfort zone.

In the book, The Tools, psychotherapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels share research-backed strategies for people to overcome the internal barriers holding them back from success. These practical steps allow anyone to reach their full potential.

Tool #1 – Reversal of desire

The first tool in the book is the Reversal of Desire. It explains that your areas of growth lie just outside of your comfort zone. Yes that’s right, just outside of your comfort zone!

Your comfort zone feels great because it’s a state where your brain perceives very little risk. You’re in a familiar, safe situation. Changing habits, learning new skills, trying new things, and other self-improvement activities are all unfamiliar. You have to get out of your comfort zone to do them.

Stepping outside your comfort zone is stressful, but research shows that our brains need to feel slight to moderate anxiety to improve. Psychologists refer to this as “optimal anxiety” — the level of stress that compels you to take action.

Deadlines are helpful for understanding this. If you’re like most people and you’re given six weeks to do a project, initially you’re not worried at all. You feel like you have a ton of time and don’t push yourself to be optimally productive for the first couple of weeks. However, once you’re a week or two away, the stress of potentially not meeting the deadline becomes a weight on your shoulders that pushes you to excel despite tiredness and any other barriers you face.

Be strategic about your comfort zone!

The key is to be strategic about how and when you step outside your comfort zone, ensuring that your anxiety does not overwhelm you. For example, if you’re terrified of public speaking, don’t start by volunteering to speak at a big community event. Instead, start with small groups to build your confidence and work your way up.

It’s like a muscle. The more you push your boundaries, the easier the optimal anxiety will feel to you. It’s like you will broaden the boundaries of your own comfort zone.

This feeling of nervousness brings on our sense of flow. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is a psychologist who wrote the book, Flow. He describes ‘flow’ as a mental state of complete absorption in the current experience. When we are fully engaged and challenged by a task.

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times… The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”
– Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Here’s a challenge (or two) for you

Write down 10 things that challenge you or make you feel fearful. Public speaking? Getting feedback? Introducing yourself to new people? Choose one of these areas to focus on. Brainstorm a range of activities to step out of your comfort zone and practice them in small but consistent ways. Remember your areas of growth lie just outside of your comfort zone! Try ten ways to practice this challenge – yes, not just once, but ten! Repetition is the only way you’re going to move outside your comfort zone to take on these challenging activities.

Moving out of your comfort zone doesn’t always have to be work related either – you could listen to unfamiliar music, read a magazine that you would never normally pick up, try a different hobby with a friend, go to a different restaurant. Get into the habit of pushing your areas of comfort. Reflect on what you learn about yourself in the process.

Final words

Don’t let the fears in your head stop you from trying new things and stepping up in your growth. Take the smallest steps forward and you might just surprise yourself!

Now over to you: What was the last thing you did to get out of your comfort zone?

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How to find and make the most of a mentor

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It’s a special feeling to find a mentor. Someone who inspires you, drives you, and supports you with their time, knowledge and experience.

Finding a mentor and learning how to foster a productive relationship with them is one of the most influential actions you can take to boost your career and leadership. Here’s why:

1) Having a mentor enables you to have a more successful career.

If you are reading this article, you probably already knew that. But, did you know that this is not just standard advice? The research backs it too!

A meta-analysis study found that mentored professionals are able to advance faster thanks to knowledge and networking opportunities that mentors provide. Another study found that young people who have mentors have challenging and fulfilling job opportunities earlier than their non-mentored peers.

Wow  – that’s quite an edge!

2) Mentors have a firm understanding of organisational culture and the personalities of influential people.

This is extremely valuable! Because in many organisations, success depends not only on the quality of your work, but also how well you present yourself and your ideas to the organisation’s executives.

Many busy senior leaders will only respond favorably to work and communication formats that align with their preferences, regardless of what’s being presented to them. Millennials, in particular tend to make the mistake of thinking that if they work hard and offer great ideas, then their ideas will be implemented, and they will be praised.

And while that can be the case in startups, it is not the case in businesses that have hierarchical structures. Mentors can explain what types of ideas are embraced and how to present yourself in the most successful way.

So get strategic with how you present your ideas!

3) Your mentor can increase your job performance.

A Dutch study found that the primary way mentors help you in the workplace is by teaching you how to improve the quality of your work. As experienced professionals, mentors know how to deliver exemplary work efficiently. And the sooner you learn from them, the more you will stand out from the crowd.

Keep reading to learn how to find mentors and develop powerful relationship with them.

Why You’ve Already Met Your Perfect Mentor

When many people decide they want a mentor, they make the mistake of going out and looking for someone new to their networks. They do so by reaching out to people they admire on LinkedIn or attending events in hopes of meeting and asking for help from higher-level professionals they have just met. Too many people make the mistake of seeking out mentoring relationships that aren’t meant to be.

You may need a mentor because you are early in your career, looking to switch jobs, or feel like your growth is stagnating. Your prospective mentors are excelling in their careers and do not have time to invest in strangers. In her book, Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, recommends seeking mentorship from people whom you already have a relationship with.

You are much more likely to be successful for a few reasons:
• You are adding a new element to your existing relationship – not forming a new one.
• They have seen your work and know what you are capable of accomplishing.
• If you work with them or have met them through a professional group, they are in an optimal position to help guide your career.

Earning a mentor

According to Diane Schumaker Krieg, the Global Head of Research and Strategy at Wells Fargo, one of the leading American banks, the best way to earn a mentor is to excel in your career.

This may sound counter-intuitive, since the point of getting a mentor is to become more successful. But before people invest time in you, they want to see that you are doing everything in your power to succeed on your own.  Showing initiative attracts the right mentors. Make sure you have the skills to be great at what you do and take advantage of every opportunity to demonstrate your value and potential growth. When potential mentors see this, they are happy to invest time and energy in you.

Initiating a mentoring relationship with someone you already know and who has seen your work is a simple as asking for their advice on a problem you are facing at work or how you can progress into an area that interests you. If the individual’s response is positive and they offer you essential advice, every so often ask them more questions to evaluate if they seem interested in helping you further. Once you feel the answer is yes, you can take the more significant step of officially asking them to be your mentor and you can formalise the relationship.

How to tell if someone is receptive to being your mentor

If you are struggling to determine if someone wants to be your mentor, global communications consultant, Glenn Leibowitz, says that you can tell by the amount of effort he or she puts into helping you. Someone who is just answering your questions to be polite will give you simple answers and not follow-up. Mentors feel personally invested in your success. So they’ll work with you to help you to solve your challenges and might check in to see how you are progressing. So it’s always nice for you keep to them in the loop.

If you work with multiple people you admire, don’t limit yourself to a single mentor. Reaching out to as many people as relevant and possible increases the benefits of mentoring. Not only because you get a higher quantity of feedback, but also because individual mentors may go through phases when they do not have time to help you. During those periods, having multiple mentors can ensure you are never without the support you need to thrive.

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Best Practices for Before, During and After Mentoring Sessions

Once you have landed a mentor (or multiple) you may be wondering how you make the most of your time together? Here are the top things you should do before, during and after your mentoring sessions to ensure you use your mentor’s time efficiently.

Before:

One of the most significant mistakes I see mentees make is expecting too much from their mentors. Mentors are busy people who typically don’t have time to answer all of your questions when you want them to answer. They are not there to do the work for you. Use the time wisely to get their thoughts and advice at a strategic level.

At the beginning of your mentoring relationship, ask your mentor how often they want to meet and how much time they have available for those meetings. Before sessions, prioritize what you want to talk about so you have time to address your most important issues in your meetings.

During:

To best utilize your mentor’s time, you need to come prepared to facilitate a meaningful conversation. Don’t expect them to offer you great advice unprompted. According to mentoring expert, Jo Miller, there are four types of questions you should ask your mentor:
• “Stories:” Ask them to tell stories about their own life so that you can learn from their experiences.
• “Situation:” If you are unsure how to deal with a situation, ask your mentor what they would do.
• “Self-Awareness:” Often it can be hard to see ourselves. Ask your mentor for their opinions about your traits, performance, or other personal attributes. Your mentor’s views about you will help you become more self-aware.
• “Skill-Building:” Chances are you need to develop new skills to advance your career. Ask your mentor what skills you should focus on and what are the best resources available for you to learn those skills.

After:

If you agree with their suggestions, apply them as quickly as possible and be sure to share the results at your next meeting.

Acting on your mentor’s advice shows them that you value the opinions they are giving you. However, you do not need to follow their advice 100% of the time. If your mentor suggests something you strongly disagree with, don’t do it. Explain to them why you decided their suggestion was not a good option for you.

How to Give Back to Your Mentor

Mentoring is a two-way relationship. While you may think you have nothing to offer, it is crucial that you find ways to create value for your mentor. Here are a few ideas:

1. Be Successful. The best way to give back is by being successful and showing that their time and guidance has made a difference!
2. Support their work or their charity involvements. Can you write them a testimonial on Linkedin? Can you share your experience of them in a public arena? Could you promote their charity work to your networks?
3. Share your perspective on topics where you have valuable knowledge to contribute. The prime example of this is with technology. If your mentor is several years older than you, they may have difficulty keeping up with the latest technology. You can step in to help them adapt. Offering your perspective on tasks they are working on can add value by assisting them to see their work in the eyes of someone who lacks their professional experience but may be knowledgeable in other areas.
4. Nominate them for an award. Put them forward to show you value their time and expertise.

Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that developing a mentoring relationship is an ongoing process that takes time. Before most people agree to mentor you, they need to see your personality and work style to know whether or not you would be a good fit as a mentee.

Now over to you: who do you have in your network that would be a great mentor?

25 questions to improve your emotional intelligence

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There is a lot of talk about the governance experience required by board directors to fulfil their duties on a board(which is a good thing!). What is talked about less so though but is becoming more and more important is the ability for board directors to bring emotional intelligence into the boardroom.

Exceptional board directors lead with humility, respect, have the awareness of the impact they have on those around them and know when to speak and when to listen.

Need a reminder about what EQ is all about?  Emotional intelligence is described by Perter Salovey and John D. Mayer as:

The ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate amongst them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.

Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ, he classifies emotional intelligence into five domains:

Self Awareness: Knowledge of your states, preferences, resources and intuitions.
Self Regulation: Management of your states, impulses and resources.
Motivation: Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals.
Empathy: Awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns.
Social Skills: Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.

Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself to develop your emotional intelligence as a board director or team member.

Self Awareness

1.  Honestly do you know the strengths and weaknesses you bring to the boardroom?
2.  How do you define yourself? Are these self perceptions accurate? How do you test these?
3.  Do you listen and seek opportunity to understand how others perceive your strengths and weaknesses?
4.  What are your personal values and are they aligned with the organisation you serve?
5. Do you rate yourself as a continual learner? Would others have the same view?
6. Do you act with humility rather than arrogance?

Self Regulation

7.  Are you respectful in your language and actions to your fellow board directors, staff and stakeholders?
8.  Are you able to keep calm during conversations?
9.  Do you listen openly to other’s points of view?
10.  Do you notice when you’re frustrated during conversations?

Motivation

11.  Do you truly understand what motivates you to serve on a NFP board or in your work team?
12. Do you serve the long term interests of the organisation rather than your own concerns or short term objectives?
13. Do you act from a place of authenticity?
14. Are you self motivated to serve on a board or at work?
15. Do you set and aim to reach goals personally and as a collective on the board?

Empathy

16. Do you put yourself in the shoes of the people you serve?
17.  Do you understand the values, strengths and goals of your fellow board directors or team mates?
18.  Do you share the workload equally on the board?
19.  Are you willing to see how others perceive situations and decisions to be made?
20. Do you work hard to be trustworthy?

Social Skills

21. Do you commit to working respectfully with your fellow board directors?
22. Do you reach other to develop a strong relationship with your fellow board directors?
23.  Do you make time to have conversations outside of the boardroom to deepen your relationship with your fellow board members?
24. Are we committed to working as equals in the boardroom?
25. Do you act with a positive attitude?

Emotional intelligence is a critical component of an effective board. Are you actively cultivating the skills of emotional intelligence?

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10 questions to plan for 2019

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January! A fresh new year to dream, visualise and plan. Journalling is a great tool to develop our insight, connect with our inner voice and start to develop clarity about the life you want to lead.

I think we can under-estimate what can be achieved in a year. What do you want to be different in a year’s time?

In early December I posted 10 Questions to Fuel Your Reflection of 2018. This is integral to reflect back over the whole year, visual what you did with your time (consider the projects you worked on and what you achieved) and really focus on the key learnings you have taken from the year. Most often, we sleep walk through life without taking the time to reflect, grow and stretch into the future. Just as useful as it is to look back, now it’s time to look forward.

Here are 10 questions to help your planning for 2019.

1. How will you step into the highest version of yourself this year?

If you practiced all the habits you wanted, lived your core strengths and you were totally aligned with values – this would be your highest version of you. The game is – how do you edge closer and closer to this person every moment. Think small steps.

2. Describe your ideal day, week and year?

How you live your days is how you live your life! It’s a big statement but it’s true. Our daily habits form the foundations for how you live your life. What is one habit you want to focus on this year and one habit you want to let go of?

3. How will you best utilise your strengths?

Professor Martin Seligman, Director of the University of Penn Positive Psychology Centre found that a key part of flourishing in life and work is using your strengths. To use our strengths, you need to be able to identify them and work on ways to use them more everyday and commit to getting better at them.

4. How will you take care of yourself? What’s your health and wellbeing plan?

Without your health it’s very hard to achieve anything of significance. This means you have to actively plan for sleep, rest, nutrition, movement, mental clarity and fun! How could you step up in terms of your health? What could be a key goal you could achieve that could help motivate you to take care of yourself?

5. What is holding you back? 

Otto Scharmer, author of the books Theory U and Leading from the Emerging Future talks about the three voices that hold you back – the voice of judgement (shutting down your open mind instead of being inquiring and curious), the voice of cynicism (shutting down your open heart instead of connecting and relating) and the voice of fear (shutting down your open will instead of letting go). What do you need to leave behind and to tap into the great courage you have?

6. How will you give back to community? And how can you be of service to others? 

How can you focus on giving to others this year? Often this can provide great energy in our lives. If you were to focus on one area to give back in, what’s it going to be this year? Commit as deeply to this as the other areas in your life. Maybe it could be to join a Not-For-Profit board?

7. What’s your learning plan?

Where do you want to grow, stretch and learn this year? What books can you read? Are there any courses you can take? What conferences can you learn from? Which key skills do you want to learn and foster this year?

8. What relationships do you want to foster?

Who is in your community? Family, friends, networks, work colleagues and neighbours. Be focused on the key relationships you would like to develop this year. Who can help you be the person you want to be? Will you reach out to a new mentor, create a mastermind group, attend a new conference to expand your networks or foster your friendships?

9. How will you be inspired?

What are the inspiration sources that help you stay energised and refreshed for the ups and downs for the year. How can you systemise the inspiration sources so you can perform at an optimal level?

10. What amazing life adventures do you want to do this year?

Ok – now it’s time for a bit of fun. Forget work, think about what is going to bring you joy and fun into your life. What life adventures could you have this year? Think about learning a new skill, visiting a new place or enjoying something with the people you love. Let’s continue the conversation here. I’d love to know what 2019 will bring you !

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10 key questions to fuel your reflection of 2018

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It’s so easy to get caught up in the consumerism of Christmas but I have a challenge for you! Instead of December passing you by in a blur, let’s make it a time of review and reflection, meaning-making and connection! Isn’t that what the festive season is really supposed to be about?

Connection and Reflection

Rather than making December a month of overindulgence of food and drink, gather an intimate group of your friends and colleagues together to make time for personal reflection and then share your reflections with each other. You could couple this with an early morning walk along the beach, an evening yoga session or a fun game of tennis! I’ve made it simple for you and created a list of questions you can send to your friends below. Or better yet, make up your own list of questions to explore!

A Magic Carpet Ride

Think of it as a magic carpet ride through the events, activities and experiences that occurred in 2018. Fly through your year from January to now, think about the moments of pure joy as well as the challenges. Step back and reflect. What did these moments mean for you? What have you learnt? By standing back and looking at it from a distance, you can elicit the learning and the meaning. There has been multiple research studies that have shown the benefits of regular reflection. It helps our performance and also makes us happier. Think of it as the debrief after the game, consider each move made, think about how strategies panned out, reflect on winning moves and ones to improve on next time.

As Peter Drucker said: “Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection, will come even more effective action.”

Top 10 Reflection Questions

1. What has made you proud this year?

Tap into the experiences and achievements that made you feel happy, satisfied and alive. What activities can you credit to your hard work, initiative or creativity? Sink into these feelings – perhaps it was something you achieved or something someone close to you achieved. Perhaps it was something you overcome this year or a lesson you learned. It could be anything – relationships, goals, hard work or your attitude.
Is it time to cue the M People classic, Proud?

2. What inspired you this year?

inspiration: the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.

What were your sources of inspiration this year? People, environments, conferences or videos (like TED videos), movies, events, books – anything! See if you can pin point it – what or who inspired you to be your best? What were the catalysts to enhance your knowledge, confidence, skills or work? Was it a new podcast, a key event or an important mentor? You could collate a list with your friend of their top 3 inspirations.

3. What are your 3 key learnings from this year?

What’s been your major learning curves this year? This is an important question. Instead of sailing into the new year without fully gaining the benefit of all your experiences this year, consider the three main things that you’ve learnt. Where have you grown the most as a person, leader, family member or friend? Were these intended learning curves or not? What did you set out to learn and improve on and what were some of the learning that popped up along the way?

4. What habits have served you well?

Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. It’s quite enlightening to realise that what you do day in, day out makes you the person you are! Maybe it’s a little scary too! So simple, but it can also mean the discipline of constructing your day to be the person you want to be. What habits did you intentionally practice this year and which ones have slipped in – good or bad? Which habits have you added this year? Which ones did you drop? How did it make a difference to your year?

5. What were your key relationships this year and how have they affected you?

Family and friends, business colleagues and community – relationships can play a key part of your happiness and also your success. Which relationships made you feel strong and empowered? How did you intentionally foster the relationships in your life? Are you hanging around the right people? Are they lifting you up to be your best? How has your presence positively impacted on the people around you too?

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6. How did you utilise your strengths this year?

Do you know what your key strengths are? If not, perhaps it’s time to get clear about the strengths that you are or can contribute to the world. How did you put them to work this year? Are you using your strengths on a daily, weekly and monthly basis? How does it make you feel when you can work in your zone of genius, as Gay Hendricks would call it.

7. How did you focus on what’s fundamentally important to you this year?

It is so easy to get caught up in what everyone else wants you to do. Your family, friends, work or even society in general can dictate what gets done. Think about when you get into work everyday, do you reflect on your key priorities and set in for some deep, deliberative work or do you check your email and focus on what others want of you? Did you get to focus on what was important to you this year or did you get pulled in different directions?

8. What are you grateful for this year?

Time to evoke a little gratitude. Yes it’s a great habit to cultivate to consider and reflect on everything you are grateful for. From the huge big things to the tiniest little things. What are you grateful for? If it involved people around you, this might be a nice way to reconnect with people during December and tell them!

9. What have been the obstacles, hard times or challenges you’ve experienced and how have you grown from the experiences?

Yes there are going to be ups and downs in the year. Times where it didn’t always go to plan. What were your biggest challenges this year? Revisit these tough times and bring some reframing to it – how has it made you a better person, how did you grow and what did you learn?

10. How would I summarise the year that I’ve had?

Have some fun with this last one. Use your creative juices to summarise the year in a creative way. What would be it’s theme, mantra or symbol? How would you draw a picture to reflect on the past year? Time to get out of your head and instead into your heart and body. What colours would you use? What shapes or images represent this year?

Take some time this December…

Why not grab your favourite drink, put on some encouraging music and sit in your favourite chair or go outside into nature and answer these questions for yourself!? Then come together with friends and share your reflections from the year. Look out the blog in the coming weeks for 10 questions to plan for the new year.

Now over to you: Will you be spending some time on reflecting this season? What other questions did you come up with?

Emotional Intelligence: How to perform at your best

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Are you willing to challenge yourself to develop as a leader?

Most people are committed to developing their technical expertise to maximise potential (think about the years spent at university!) But do you put the same level of commitment into developing your skills to connect, communicate and empower other people as well?

Emotional intelligence is critical to exceptional leadership. It leads to better work performance, better leadership and more happiness in life. Who doesn’t want that?

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence has become a buzzword ever since Daniel Goleman wrote the book called Emotional Intelligence! But many people can have trouble actually describing what it is.

At its core, emotional intelligence is about monitoring and understanding your own and other’s feelings and emotions and using this knowledge to guide your thinking and actions.

A recent Australian report on leadership found that current leaders rated themselves as performing highest on their work ethic and track record of success. Only trouble is – what people really wanted from their leaders was team building and outstanding interpersonal and communication skills. And these were some of the skills that they performed most poorly at.

Eek!

Emotional intelligence is key to building strong teams and communicating with others. Here are five practical behaviours that emotionally intelligent leaders practice.

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5 EQ Behaviours

1. Building Self Awareness

I find leaders either really overrate their abilities or really underrate them. I know, that’s quite a spectrum.  On one side, people often don’t see the immense value they can offer. Yet on the other hand, others can self assess themselves as highly competent without any basis. One strategy to overcoming this phenomenon is seeking high quality feedback from others on your behaviour and performance. Blind spots are hard to overcome without the help of others.

2. Compassion and Respect

How you treat others is important. Do you listen to others? Or encourage equal participation rather than dominate discussions? Do you treat people as legitimate human beings with feelings? Do you care about your team?   

Dehumanising others in the workplace is an increasingly challenging issue. The more we move into positions of power and feel experienced at what we do, the more we can become more concerned about our own needs and less concerned about the needs of others. Everyone deserves to be treated with compassion and respect. This is the essence of a good human being. Don’t underestimate it!

3.  Motivation and Self Management

Do you notice the feelings you are feeling? Awareness is the first step to managing them appropriately. But it’s amazing how many people can go from meeting to meeting in a bad mood without being aware of it or acknowledging it. Get good at identifying your feelings, honestly connecting the underlying cause of your feeling and taking action to correct it, if need be.

4. Vulnerability

Exceptional leaders acknowledge that they don’t know it all. This vulnerability allows them to connect at a deeper level with their team. Displaying an attitude of curiosity about team members’ points of view shows that everyone has something to contribute and everyone has something to learn from others.

5.  Maintaining Equanimity

Life is not going to go right 100% of the time. Failures happen, people get sick, projects go askew and as leaders – we need to keep our composure. A mindfulness meditation practice can support us to lead with equanimity. It helps us practice lengthening the time between what happens to us and how we react to it.

What’s important?

All in all, our emotional intelligence makes us better human beings. If you want to be the best leader you can be, let’s start with who you are and how you treat others.

Now over to you: how do you practice emotional intelligence as a leader? Do you have any experiences with leaders that particularly impressed you with their emotional intelligence? I’d love to hear!